Today as I sit in my hiding

Manipulating without thought

Taking what I can to cope

Because you are not near

 

My life has been a book of tales

Journeys, voyages, always to feel

Without duty I move and go

Searching for that place I know

 

I gave up long ago on love

And forced myself to accept the lie

But as I tried to leave this plane

I come back each time empty and lame         

 

For what I am is all I have

Never enough or good for them        

Surrounded by those who think I’m broke

Trying hard to fix me so I can work     

 

Unwavering I go within my world

I travel according to the longing of my soul

A glass of scotch to free my light

No fear of rejection just longing to be liked

 

At last I fly free and sour past my void        

Acting on feeling, no words or thought

First time I looked into your eyes

I felt my whole self deep down your bright mind

 

Now that I know that I can just be

There is no place I can hide I know you can see

My pain and despair shines brightly and bold

No words can express the feelings we hold

 

Your eyes reach into me without any force

You don’t try to hide those feelings of yours

I sit in your presence like I am alone

You fill up my life because you are bold

 

My dream is alive and living in me

I want you to share those feelings with me

Take my cold hands and walk totally free

Into the light that is you and me

 

Before I met you I could carry on

In hope of that vision I had as a child

Of living and loving atop a small hill

The children around us with listening ears

 

Far down below us the ship swings her bow

Smiling on us for giving birth to her soul

She was the one that gave us our soil

The reason we came to this god forsaken hole

 

This is not a dream or a fanciful wish

My cells shout it out in full glory of old

We both have the memory of lives left untold

Lurking beneath our bodies and souls

 

 

So please do not think or analyze or hold

Anything back even if it is cold

I want only you for all that you are

Especially because I feel me in your heart

 

If conflicts arise and feelings go wild

I love for us both to keep it alive

No differences at all can break what is there

Not even good bye can leave me in despair

 

You know who I am and all that I feel

Aware of my depth and excitement and bore

I have no known label for me or for you

So walk in your fear because it is real

 

To be honest complete is what I so want

To never hide again and be what I’m not

You cannot give me or take from my self

That what I am is there no matter what

 

If nastiness comes and words used like swords

I know I can stand there and fight for our cause

It’s not about niceness or fairytale love

Truth from the soul is the pleasure of heart

 

Attachment is cruel and kills you at once

The innocent child is all that we want

So make your mistakes and do what you feel

Nothing can keep me from being right there

 

Come now dear friend and open your heart

I cannot break it or tear it apart

I am the other part of your heart

Take me at once and desert me never more

 

I let down my hair without giving thought

You are the one that gives me peace and true hope

For all that we share is not to be talked

It’s in walking true steps that will cement our world

 

I love you complete and not within time

You know what you feel it shows in your eyes

All that you want and dreamed of is true

For here in my nakedness with you I am ALL!

 

Write me a song from your soul to mine

It waters my life and gives me a call

To wake up and live and be who I am

For I truly love you without any end

 

So pack all your things and come as you are

Together we stand in love and in awe

My heart is your home my eyes my true mouth

Take the first step even if there is doubt

 

Acknowledge your feelings and be with them true

Because if you don’t I can never love you

I don’t want only good and deny cold and dark

I’m only alive when I express my true heart

 

 

Enough is not enough nor ever will be

I strive to the edge so that I can breath

To be in a world so safe and secure

Drives me to numbness and eats up my soul

 

To know everything and feel so secure

Will kill that big fire that scares the young soul

My desire to live has just been restored

Thank you my love for coming back to my world

 

To suffer in life for me is to live

No other possession can replace that great gift

For putting a meaning to everything here

Takes from my spirit that longing and fear

 

Feeling unsure and experiencing the new

Is possible only if you let go of your view

Life is supposed to be fun but it’s laced with the norm

It is what forced me to return to my core

 

When all things are good and no friction is there

My internal fire flickers weak showing my fear

To not have every and all of myself there

Is like living in life never willing to dare

 

My longing is great and my desire is there

You are the only one that truly cares

Me the real me too long in my cave

Came out of hibernation because you are there

 

I write and explain and want you to know

Everything that I am that needs not be told

You know me complete and enjoy my bright mind

No fear in your eyes your heart shows my whole

 

I long for your bed, your body your you

To hold you each night and sleep safe once more

I need you right now and I will need you again

I cannot go on living the lie that I am

 

No matter what happens or whatever I do

I can’t make it trough another day without you

The drugs use to help to make me feel numb

The high is so flat now since you came along

 

Tomorrow I come to you without fear

I’m not asking a question to see if it’s real

So rest my sweet soul and wait for me now

I’m pressed in your heart so no need to think how

 

No matter how hard I try to let go

It is not an action of will as you know

It’s happening to me without my control

My thoughts all deserted left me full of soul

 

I fear for my life and I fear for my soul

No longer can I bear to be in this hole

I won’t come out willingly unless you take hold

Of me out of love not judgment or scold

 

 

When truth flows out of my heart so unknown

The feeling reveals that which I don’t share

I lost the ability to cope and to tolerate

Which leaves me in a new place I've never known

 

I cannot control or fake or disguise

Like I have done throughout my whole life

Since being with you that role I always played

Was replace with my longing that I never could find

 

I tried my whole life to get rid of that hole

Inside of my heart my mind and my soul

Nothing could do it or ease my black soul

Now it is gone without trying or taking control

 

You transformed all my cells my energy waves

You share your whole being completely with me

Releasing the magic we both lived lives before

Crystal clearness comes only when you let go

 

I release all control inhibitions and roles

I trust you completely I am letting go

I cannot help it or withhold anymore

You are my savior my knight and much more

 

Being with you feels like memories of old

Something I shared with likeminded souls

Lifetimes have passed and still I don’t know

But finally now I don’t care to know

 

The mystery and magic lives on ever more

Without any plan for salvation is sore

How many eons do we need to travel

To find that same person and live to explore

 

 

What I desire most to be present in my life partner.

 

I want a friend, a real friend that cares to get to know me, not just in the beginning but for always.  I am a constantly changing spirit and my likes and dislikes change as does my feeling of happiness.  I can not be figured out in one way of the word because of my constant changing process which, by the way, is the only constant in my life.

 

I want a partner to be open to new things, to at least try it with me, if it is very important for me, otherwise I enjoy my free time alone and I do not expect my partner to be the one that gives me pleasure, happiness, sadness, etc., for I have gone through that and know that I am the only one responsible for my feelings and that there is no one in this life that can control that.  I am the one that decides how I would like to act and feel about everything that comes into my life and not to react.  Therefore, I am very happy with myself and who I am, including all the things I am working on to better and grow so I don’t really need someone to fill my life, I want someone I can share my lifestyle with, for always!!!

 

I am willing to share my life, completely, including everything of me, with a person who desires to pledge his love and to keep that promise, no matter what.  There is no way out nor any option of not trying and working on our relationship, because that is what commitment means, it means to start from the beginning with the agreement toward the commitment that there is NO WAY OUT, WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MAKE IT TOGETHER, NO MATTER HOW HARD, SAD, UNFULFILLING, FRUSTRATING OR WHATEVER IT IS!!!  That is commitment. 

 

It does not mean that you always like your partner or agree with them, no, it means to have that security and trust that you finally have the chance to grow and learn from your mistakes and not have to loose your partner in the process.  It is comforting to know that my children will always have a dad IN THE HOME no matter what.  It will teach our children how to live a life of love complete and commitment and then they will come to their own realization that love is much bigger than sex, goofy feelings and heart palpitations.

 

Love is never giving up on your partner or children, love is always wanting to go through whatever it is you have to, even if it does not feel good but with the desire to give the other person the support he or she needs to make it to the other side, together, not alone, together.  That is what a true union is, it is something that no man can break or take away from you.  That is the only security in love that you can get, commitment.  Here are the basic principles I live by and that I desire my partner in life to live by too.

 

The Four Agreements

 

Always be impeccable with your word

 

Don’t make any assumptions

 

Don’t take anything personally

 

Always do your best

 

Not much to ask for but very difficult to come by.  I am 38 years and 9 months of age and I have met only two men in my life that were living by those agreements without mentioning them or even knowing about them.  I still love them both dearly, one is my very first long term relationship out of home which lasted 5 and a half years and taught me my greatest strengths through building a 30 foot steel gaff cutter in our backyard.  Yes, just the two of us without any other labourers but the very few boat friends that lent a hand during the 18 month of building our first Freedom Ship out of the land of control through fear.  Man did that take a lot of dedication, hard work, trust in ourselves and most of all COMMITMENT TO THE CAUSE which included our relationship.

 

The other man, which I refer to as Lerato my Noble Friend, I met when I was 38 years and 7 months of age, just recently as you may have noticed.  I heard of him through Peter Mclatchy, soul partner/friend, who told me to make a point of meeting up with him one day because he knew that we would become good friends.  One phone call made it very clear that we are connected and that we had planned to meet up again in this life or the other.

 

Once we made the connection through the old fashioned device that uses sound waves to communicate, the cell phone, we both knew that we had found our soul partner/friend for life.  I know it may sound strange and all to much like the new age movement, but how do I explain a phenomenon which took place in the form of words when they limit my expression of my personal experience for lack of words describing other realities besides the one that most humans live in?  Only those who have lived it will understand, not through my words or descriptions but by feeling, yes, that extra sense that most call sixth sense is actually part and parcel of the human species and their natural ability to feel in their cells the message that is imprinted there, not an imagining or wishing or guessing but a clear and simple message that is accompanied by total trust and knowing;  the same knowing as if you visited a place long ago and when you come upon it again, you KNOW that you have been there, you have a memory of it. 

 

It is exactly the same when I “met” Lerato for the “first” time.  I have a cellular memory of our lives together as very close and dear equals in many places and circumstances without having the pictures that accompany normal memories, much stronger and much more real to me but not explained easily to others who don’t acknowledge cellular memory as part of their “make-up” in this life as well as all the other lives lived in various stages of development and growth.

 

I, for one, find it strange that not all humans have this “ability” to use or even find it within themselves.  I surely can't be the only person who feels/receives cellular memory on this planet?  There must be others like me, and so for a long time I believed that one day I would meet my partner, my friend, my equal, which I did, that day when Lerato and I met at Mountain Dew Nature Inn.  WOW, no words can convey the endless moment we shared in 3 minutes of earth time. 

 

Worlds went by, direct transference happened and I felt at home for the very first time in my life.  I had thought that my first love was out of this world, but my Noble Friend Lerato stood out for all of me to feel/see/know that he, HE, is the only one I have encountered that truly is my soul partner for eternity.  We will always be connected and I will always be guided and loved by him no matter where I am in the Universe or whatever I may manifest as.  No doubt in my mind whatsoever and no feeling of loss when he carries on his merry way nor even a missing for he is always with me, not that I constantly think of him, quit the contrary, he comes to me when it is needed and he receives my feeling tone when I live my moments.  He is truly one of a kind to me but we are a right pair that bumped into each other at the wrong time because we are not meant to be together as a couple but to be a Universal Couple to aid in the transition of Gaia and to assist human kind when the time comes for us to act.  You may say that we are WARRIORS OF THE LIGHT!

 

I would like to add that even though we are both Warriors of the Light there is a distinct difference between Lerato and I; him being the beginner of a new value system of co-operation rather than competition, which is integrally linked with all aspects of existence.  I consider him the planter, the sower of new seeds into the lifetime here on this planet.  I on the other hand am an Edge Walker, the one who pushes the limits of EVERYTHING in all ways and aspects.  I explore new territories; both within and in the outside world.  If there is a limitation, anywhere, I will be the one to take it further, beyond that limitation, to show the world around me that the only limits places on ourselves and the life we know are the ones that we ourselves place there.  Consciousness predates form; consciousness predates everything because consciousness creates form and not the other way around.

COWARD

 

Letters not sent,

words not said

 

 

how many times have you written a letter to a loved one that you had a fight with because you didn’t have the courage to face him/her?  How many times have you written that letter and not mailed it or given it to the one you wish to reveal your heart to?  I am sure all of us have done that at least once in our lives, and the funny thing is that those very letters unsent are the ones that we most wanted the person to read.  How many years have we wished to have that change over again, because if we did mail the letter then our whole life would have been different.  That is the issue that bothers us most, what if?  Yes, what if, how would my life be different?

 

Well, your whole life can be different by starting to act on your feelings and set your hearts free without fear of rejection.  It will affect every aspect of our lives and turn it around to where we are not cowardly but courageous.  That is the difference, that is the key and that is what this book is about.

 

I hope that you all will find a part of yourselves in this book and relate to it with honesty and an open mind.  It is written about me and my life and the way that I have handled issues throughout my entire life up until now.  I started writing because I no longer am a coward, this is my first step and you too can do it!!

 

I will be using the feminine to make it easier to read instead of him/her or his/hers for it makes reading fun and easy which is exactly what a story should make you feel, not feel heavy and serious because it is about changes and self help because it is not about changing who you are or that there is something wrong with you.  This is a story, my story that I share with all of you to reveal the truth about worth, respect and love.

 

Enjoy my story because it is your story too.

 

Li

Capt Ex-Coward

Unsent letters

 

Wakulla County Jail               Monday, 21 August 2006

 

There are some things, situations, circumstances that just cannot be explained away through the usual rational thinking process.  No matter how many different angles you look at it from, nothing seems to make sense.  It is a hopeless case not worth burning the brain up over nor wasting the time to pursue it.  THIS is one of those times.

 

As I sit here waiting to be deported, all my papers signed by the Immigration Judge, passport in order and valid, photos taken, fingerprints given, I wonder why I need to do extra time upon my already served sentence of 19 months and 11 days.  It has been 2 weeks and still I sit here in a void of this system, just a number, without the knowledge of how much longer it will be … no date to look forward to … it all seems so hopeless.

 

Each Monday and Wednesday it seems that they send some of us out, yet another Monday has passed … and nothing!  The excitement, along with the hope to leave every Sunday and Tuesday night is giving my jaws a hard time, never mind my heart and nerves … only to be let down one again.  I am feeling the darkness.

 

It is creeping up on me … I am starting to stare off into space.  Nothingness … no longer with a sparkle in my eye … no more longingly … just … staring … unable to focus on here and now … it all seems so … white … sterile … without texture … so … flat … cold … dreary … no colour … flavours … warmth … I need to leave.

 

I pray constantly … it is a running and continuous thought of Creator … please release me … let me go home … I said that I give Creator my faith … that all things happen at the right time … still … I feel abandoned … here comes that VOID again … I know that I must cling to all that gives me hope … but I am a realist … no longer naïve … just being real … I feel this way … there is no denying it … no reason to … for no ones benefit … I am alone in this … and alone I shall overcome … at my own pace … I shall walk ahead … I know … know that it lies ahead … I push without force … it is more like a pulse … it moves me forward by itself … this is called … life … my life!!

 

 

If you believe in right and wrong or good and bad, it implies that you have a belief in good and evil, which implies that you think there are two opposing forces at work.  Lets take it one step further and, for explanation purposes you are a Christian, then you have no faith in god because there is always the possibility that the devil may tempt god and who knows maybe one day he will loose to the devil or use it as a metaphor to explain tat good always triumphs over evil, for the force of love is far greater that the force of hate and lack and loss.  Therefore there is an automatic reaction of guilt when you do something that is thought of or accepted as wrong.  That guilt feeling then creates in you a feeling tone which attracts to you the very thing that you don’t want to feel; guilt.  That is exactly what they wanted to happen to those who believe in god and religion.

 

Now supposed that you were born with the global ideal and belief that there is just everything and nothing gets classified nor judged nor labelled, would you have such an emotion as guild, blame, shame or hatred?  Would you not then just experience life and find out for yourself what it is that you like at that specific time in life?  You would automatically move on and explore other things and possibilities just because you were driven by curiosity to have a personal experience with whatever it is that you choose, drugs (as they label it, murder, fighting, lying , cheating, stealing.  All those actins would not be considered wrong or evil but it would be seen as just that which it is.  Without judgment you attract into your life that which you want to experience and move on the next experience with ease for there is no need to feel guilty nor punish yourself or be punished by others for those actions.  They would automatically fall away if that is not what you like anymore, and not because it has been enforced upon you by some exterior authority which has no backing as to why it is so?  Life would continue on without any big knots or disasters but with the natural flow of energy just as a river flows around rocks and plants to make its way to the ocean so too will all of us do the same and follow the way of the peaceful warrior.  Experiencing without judgment nor classification of that which you have done but just left with the feeling tone of that particular experience.  Think about the possibility, not the fact, for most “facts” in this life are but theories that most people accept as fact but do not question nor leave room in there brains for the logical response due to good education that a theory implies that it is just that and that there are other possible explanations for that theory until it becomes a fact.  How many facts are there in life?  You tell me and make sure that you do some research as to back what you are saying, for I know that everything in this life, that has been proven through methods are not true but theories and the facts are revealed to those that have lived it, not thought it, or wished it or researched it but who actually have proper memories of personal experiences of other ways and theories.

 

Who are you to think that you know what is possible and not, do you believe in a creator or god that is all powerful and that h would created an inferior man which is supposed to be image in his image,?  How stupid can you get, when it comes to logic which this planet has aspired to?  We are supposedly advance, how is that so when we do not even leave room open in our minds and questions for the possibility for another theory seeing that nothing has been proven nor discredited.  How limited is your god, the force that you believe in.  how manmade is he and how much true power has he over the evil and the bad and darkness if that is exactly what he created, light and dark, day and night, all things, not just some, how can a creator b e responsible for only half of creation and the other half is left to the devil?  What type of power omniscience god is that, it is limited by mans beliefs in something that he needs to control because he is dead scared to live with freedom, completely, without anyone approving or disapproving.  It seems as if we all need to be recognized and honoured for what we feel but is that not just a cop out as to what is really going on?  Come on now, the opposites do not make a cooperation but a division and if there is a division within yourself then there is division within the world and within yourself which means that there is no room for the whole of the creation and truth to enter into you.  Do you feel that?

 

21 October 2007

My room at mom’s house

Centurion, South Africa

 

PERSONAL INSIGHTS ON BELIEFS, WHAT THEY ARE COMPOSED OF, AND HOW THEY RELATE TO PERSONAL REALITY, AND REALITY ON MASSE.

 

First of all let us begin with a simple sincere question.  What are your personally held beliefs about god, sex, love, friendship, right and wrong, good and bad, etc. etc.?  Write them down for yourself so that you can look at them while we explore a little further.  Ok, so now you can see in writing what your beliefs are ABOUT reality in general, remember that this is not necessarily a fact of reality but a belief held within yourself ABOUT reality.

 

Where do you think this comes from?  Who planted the seeds of what is and how it is?  Does that instinctively cause some curiosity pertaining to the mechanism of your thought process or does it leave you with a feeling that resonates in your cells and calls out to you like a long lost friend whom you don’t want to talk to for fear of hearing your deepest fears mentioned and brought out in the open?  Yes, I'm talking about that void inside of you that does not go away no matter what you do or how you think or what you believe in.  It is always present and nagging at you for attention.  That part of you that questions everything you hear that is new and does not fit into your belief system, like when you were a child in preschool or bible school.  That same child that asked all the questions necessary so that you could understand because you were not only curious but you knew that you had to find out where it came from, who said it, why they said it and who says that it is true.  I am sure that most of you got the same answer that I got, something like, because the bible says so and the bible is the word of god, written through saints and apostles by the almighty god himself.  My questions did not stop there, it did not serve to shut me up nor satisfy my hunger for truth but instead it made me sceptical of the teachers and their ignorance with regards to thinking for themselves and not talking from a personal experience point of view.  It was not a sharing, it was a force feeding to make sure that you were sufficiently brainwashed into believing their system and therefore you would then be controlled without even knowing it, to maintain order and control over the masses with the method of FEARING GOD which created doubt and lack, which you might as well call the devil, so that we would all be paralysed with fear enough to succumb to the normal way of doing things (for example with regards to religion which forms the basis of our beliefs about everything because it stems from that operating system, a created operating system that is impressed upon us to be the ONLY one and that the others that are out there are just false and evil because there is but one god and he is the father of Jesus, who is also the son and speaks to us as the holy ghost).  God forbid we disagree or pose questions like we would in general for say knowing more about how to plant vegetables, for that would clearly demonstrate your personal strength a vigour and of course your strong inner knowledge that stems from your cellular memory, which makes you very dangerous due to the fact that they will find it hard to manipulate you and therefore you pose a threat to the ESTABLISHMENT OF GLOBAL MIND CONTROL, call it what you will, the big brother, the antichrist, the system, Babylon, society, money, greed.

 

Now that I have scrambled your head and mind a bit with my idea of how we came to make decisions and what they are based upon, do you still believe that reality is something fixed?  Is it the same for everyone, how does it work, how was it created, who created it and how do we even know that our thoughts are OURS?  I mean, if I have been programmed with love and care from the day I came into this earth plane, by parents, siblings, friends, school, religion, and so on, then surely MY PERSONLA BELIEFS stem from conclusions that are formed from the foundation of what was imprinted on me through external forces.  That is scary to say the least and even worse is the widely held belief that most theories are facts just because no one else has come up with one that fits into what we globally believe in.  If you believe in the theory of Darwin, of evolution and don’t question it or feel threatened by people like me who have other theories, you are plain simply just ignorant because you do not even posses the ability to debate due to the idea that it is not a theory but a fact and therefore there is nothing to question or even consider.  Now that, my friends, is the largest and biggest held belief that most of us do not even consider an alternative also because of the belief that god created us and that we had to start form somewhere which is in opposition to the theory of evolution because we did not come from the apes but from god.  If you held one or the other as a fact, that would be acceptable but to hold both as true inside of you at the same time is ludicrous due to the opposing belief system.  And can you believe that most people have this dilemma going on inside of them without even knowing it but we all experience the symptoms of such contrasting beliefs, which manifest differently in each individual, but still we all feel that void and darkness inside of us that is not satisfied; agitation, distrust, fear, lack, obedience to something we don’t understand or have proof of.  Call it what you may, dis-ease is what it is called at large, yes, not disease but DIS-ease.  Jup, dis-ease in the body, the cellular structure because all cells, molecules, hold memory from every moment lived ever in what we call eternity.  Medical science knows this to be so and so we also know this on a cellular level but have been numbed so much as to not even know that we posses such knowledge and to trust it.  We want to hear from other people, from external sources of what life is and what god is and what everything is.  We search for years without ever really finding it or the peace we are looking for unless we have made contact with our cells and our selves and deprogram ourselves to an empty head with a clean operating systems that requires you to look at the world and yourself with no idea of what is right or wrong and to see everything like a child would for the first time and then see for yourself what it is without having a pre set idea of it so that we could all experience it in a neutral fashion which would then be revealed to each individual in a highly specific energetic way.

 

Let that sink in a bit before we continue, I know that most of you need a rest before you throw my book in the garbage and miss my whole essence of thought and idea.  Give yourself a break and remember that this is a theory and an idea ABOUT reality which does not necessarily mean that it is a fact about reality, just my belief ABOUT it.

 

I roll over after contemplating for hours whether I want to get up and pee now or later.  Its so cold outside and so cozy here in my little blue haven of a mosquito net.  I finally crawl out from under my blue veil and get dresses in the “Little Jerusalem Way” just to go to the bath house (another little reed check with a toilet bowl and a huge area for bathing with buckets of water).  I rent this place from Papa Luis, the local Chief of Tofo as well as Preacher of the Assembly of God.  They have their church right behind my little abode.  I can hear them sing on Saturdays and Sundays.  I must conform to certain dress codes and ways of life.  I must where long skirts or long pants when I walk around the village and I can not have different men sleep here.  There can only be one man and I have decided that it is Joao and we have agreed on that.  Even though Joao has gone back to Zimbabwe, I am hoping to see him again and share my bed with him, share my life with him if that is what he would like too.  I care about this man in a way that I find I dare not try to explain.  I have no need to explain my life or feelings anymore.  I swam through the filth of my life for far too long, not to mention the rest of the fucking scum that hung around me with their filthy lives drifting past me and over me and into me.  I am on a boat

and directing my course.  I am the Captain of my Life now and this is where I am, my own life.

I need a friend to talk to but fuck I don’t have one here that I trust with all my life.  Joao would be able to listen and talk to me.  He has also gone through similar things.  I trust him and I have no idea why.  I just do.  Where is he when I really fucking badly need him?

Fuck I need to ask questions about this offer that fell into my lap because of an honest misunderstanding.  What the fuck!  I don’t know how this happened or if “Mr See All” just picked me out.  He  probably has checked me out and seen that I have contact with so many tourists ALL THE TIME.  How can he just pop the question like that?  That is taking a humongous risk to say the fucking least.  Then again, if he checked me out then maybe he thinks that I have what it takes to do this “thing” that he is offering.  He must be thinking of himself too, placing himself at risk now.  We are both in the same boat, floating on the filth of others lives.  I have not left the river of filth and lies, I have just changed perspective and got on a boat.  Where I go, it don’t know and I don’t want to think about it.  It will all come and it will all go.

Man oh man, I just don’t know what to do.  I am already thinking about the money.  How to get it and how much I can make in the first round.  Double the money back in a very short time.  No question about the time and the ease, I know the people here and what they need and what is available.  I wouldn’t even have to go out to the regular places.  I can become “Lady Invisible” if I just knew how.

I smoke a joint and make a cup of instant coffee with Creamora.  don’t like it much but that is what is going right now in this little reed shack called my home.  I press the menu button on my cell phone then 3 times to the right and 4 times down.  The calculator is on and my fingers are typing away.  The figures are surprising, I feel fortunate and fucking scared at the same time.  What the fuck is going on here?  Invest R5 000 and get back R15 000.  How long do I have to think about this?  Not long, not long at all.  I know that it is a good investment return and I also know what it takes to get that type of return.  My life.

Is it worth it?  To put my life on the line for money?  How good do I think I am?  Can I actually make it?  Do I have what it takes to deal with large amounts of money?  Can I be professional, forward and clear without giving myself away?  Am I like that already without knowing it?  How did I fall into this?  How did this happen?  Who else knows about this?

“Mr See All” knows all the police in this area.  He knows what goes on here and who does what and every-fucking-thing!!  Or that is what he said.  Is it true?  How do I know?  Can I trust HIM?  How do I know?  How do I find out?  Should I talk to him or just invest and see what happens?

I have questions that I need answers to but I can not ask these questions without knowing who to ask.  And knowing who to ask is what I need to find out but how do I do that without anybody knowing what I want to find out.  Does that make any sense?  I am stuck right now, at a crossroads in my life, yet again, and this time it is not a joke.  This time I know what I am thinking about and I know the consequences too well.  I have been there and done that and failed miserably at it all.  Have I learnt something?  Absolutely, but I also have been seeing myself lately and I know that I started trusting everyone just too easily and too fast.

I see that and I have pulled back from the main scene in town and have been staying home doing my thing like deleting those people from my cell phone that I really just don’t want to know or talk to anymore.  They are not my type of people and I do not want to be friendly towards them anymore.  Decency is one thing but sharing space with these creatures that just want to make a buck at other peoples expense I just can not tolerate anymore.  I don’t like them and I certainly do not trust them at all.  I never have and now I will show it.  I needed to get in and was starved for attention and just got involved with every Tom, Dick and Harry.  What the fuck?  Jesus, I really can get so fucking mushy and get lost in that fucking world of idealism, good faith and give everyone a chance.  Fuck all that shit!!!

And just when I decided to pull back and started living my life the way I know myself to be, then this happens.  It could be my life saver and it could be my death.  Who do I talk to about this?  Where do I turn?  Is this the way it is, just doing it without any help, without any other person knowing?  Is this how it is?  Fucking hey, this is SERIOUS business.  I know not what to do.

Life and death has befallen me too many times to count, not just in one day but over the last 3 weeks or so.  I might even say since I’ve been in Mozambique.  As the beach sand clings to my skin and the beers roll down my throught, I feel that life cannot get better until some stranger from across the seas asks me what my name is and where I am from and warra warra warra.  I interupt immediately but politely and mention that all of that just seems to peg me down and that it would influence his personal direct experience with me.  Why not just find out who I am instead of me telling you?  Yeah, life is good here and the party starts in an instant.  Money or no money, the party rolls like a wave of life towards distant shores of unchartered waters.  It is exciting to meet new travellers and feel the energy of experience pulsing through the veins of those I meet.  I love my life, fucking hey, I just love my life, this is my life, THIS is my life, this IS my life, this is MY life, this is my LIFE!!

 

And then the bottom falls out, the money spent, the food eaten, the weed smoked up and no one around has a cigarette.  Everyone is asking for a drink, a smoke, a toke and in the end just a hug to feel cared for.  We are all the same in a different way. 

I walk back to my little shack and sulk over my stupidities.  Buying a dinner when I could go home and cook, but the company was just sooooo very pleasant and exciting.  What the hell is 200 mtz anyway?  And a couple of drinks and some for the new fellow travellers and not to mention the friends that had none when I had.

 

I love my friends and my family and for their happiness I give my all.  At my expense.  Always.  It feels that way, but in one day life and death can hit you more that you can imagine.  What else can I think up to make me feel better over spending my money is such a fucking crazy way?  And the worse of all is that it is money given to me by my father.  Fucking hell, Jesus Christ Li, get your shit together.  What the fuck!!!!??? 

 

I scrape together all the roaches I saved for precisesly these occations and roll a stinky spliff to calm my tears of self pitty.  I am so pathetic, the tears rolls over my checks in gushes like a flood gate opening and I make these strange sounds like an animal, like something trying to escape from the depths of the earth, my earth, my heart, my being is cracking.  It is painful to see myself as true as this.  I feel that I will not survive.  I cannot see a way out because I am not looking for one.  I like to wallow in my feelings.  The darkest parts of me feel real to me, too real and this scares me.  I try to force myself out of it but my feeling tones are stronger than my will and I swim amongst my filth, smelling each passing fuck-up, watching each piece of shit float by me, like it is normal, like taking stock. 

My heart takes over and it presses the buttons on my phone and sends a message to my sister.  Before I have time to revise it, I hear the “Sent Message” beep.  I did it, I asked for help, I asked someone else to get me out of the shit I FUCKING CREATED!!  I feel even worse, almost 40 years old and still alone without someone who loves and cares for me.  Not even able to even take care of my fucking self.  Just got out of Federal Prison in Florida for drugs and now I use every fucking thing available and pay with my dad’s money and I even fucking sell “kangaroos” to every Tom, Dick and Harry!!!  Ecstasy for life, sold in little tablets at 300 mtz each.  It will take you to heaven and back to this fucking shit hole we call life!!!  Jesus fucking Christ, everyone even knows it and they talk about it because I sell so many in such a short time, without trying I might add.  Now look, I even start feeling proud of what I can do,,,,,,,with DRUGS!!!  My head is definitely not screwed on right.  Some wiring is loose and I do not know the difference between right and wrong.  I always fall right into these things without thinking.  That’s it, without thinking.  I just love drugs and alcohol and sex and rock and roll and party and before you know it, I’m right back in it the “Go for it all now and live life to its fullest, because I might not be here tomorrow.  All I have is this moment and with it I will make the best of it.” Now is that so wrong?  Why am I feeling so down?  Why do I even judge myself and who the fuck am I to even do so?

A beautiful woman, rich looking attitude with posture of royalty, one could say, riding her bicycle with her two children, one on the pipe and the other on the back rack.  She of all people could also be seen living in a poor and bad drug ridden neighbourhood and it showed that she knew she belonged.  She integrated with the neighbours and all people along the way to the store and at the sea shore.  She became known as the outsider that was an insider. 

 

It was told that she had strange customs, but in the end what mattered most was that she was known for having a very solid and good kind heart.  More than that actually,  she was human, real human, not what people invented to be like, to follow, no, she was personally known by those that spoke, that she touched them deep inside like no other ever had. 

 

Being touched by her brilliance, they fell in love with themselves again, started seeing the flowers in bloom and the beauty that surrounded them.  In her presence people would observe and see how she loves life, nature, animals, insects, people, yes, most of all she loves people and they love her.

 

Now here comes this gorgeous woman toward Mr Crack Dealer in his old and stinky clothes with his teeth missing and his posture that of a sewer rat, the air became him and it touched her deep inside, it hurt her to see him so transparent in his belief of who he was.   He sat next to her and put his metal pipe away without toking on it.  She hadn’t even asked him for a cigarette, she was just feeling him and letting him feel her without words.

 

Finally he offered her a cigarette and they smoked in silence until he asked her the big “question”.  Why would she give him the time of day and sit next to him in the sand, next to the crack road, and be seen by others?  Is she not worried about what they are going to think of her?  She told him to pack his pipe and let her smoke with him.  He resisted and so them she got up and went to go and buy some by herself.  He asked her to sit down and to at least smoke with him and no one else and to never forget that.  She agreed.  Then they smoked………… and then it hit her full on; completely.  She saw in front of her a very torn soul, deeply rejected, utterly unloved and completely deserving of everything dear to ones heart, love.

 

She knew instantly the whole of him, complete with feelings, memories, thoughts and dreams and yes, he had a dream and a yearning and she knew what that was.  And he knew, in that instant, that she knew him unconditionally.  He allowed her to engulf him completely and he gave of himself fully without holding back and with full honesty, that broke his pose and cracked his bubble and opened his eyes for the first time, to the obvious reality of how marvelous and good he is.

 

He is her eternal friend and she promised him that she would tell this story truthfully, wholly and straight to the point without restrain or ethic. 

 

His name is Miguel and he took her hand and led her to the darkest part of herself and of the world and hery torch shone bright enough for both of them to see the big picture clearly and truthfully taking it without judgment nor analyzing anything, just being, feeling, breathing, letting go and walking proudly into the fear that we held, to shine the light; to better see ourselves clearly, for just who we are, human beings not human doings, beings. Beings of light, energy, sound, atoms, molecules, forces held together by love, love that is natural to all but withheld by most.  The few that venture out meet people like her and Miguel and they romanticise their lives and see only what they decide to see and not what they feel, for they have closed their hearts in fear of feeling the pain.

 

They felt the pain and couldn’t close their heart for it is not possible for them, they were not made to do that, they are from a different strand of D.N.A. that does not hold that as an option, ever!  The heart rules in a way that does not push, nor shove, nor take more than you need and where there is no ownership but cooperation and integration, growth and being real without shame, to be you without being proud or ashamed.  To just be without labelling anything nor going by any rules, but just being in touch with your heart and living with a feeling of love toward all that is and with yourself.  That is what they are here for.  Why she came to this planet and why Miguel came here too.  He is just starting to wake up and remember where he originated his ideas and ideals.

 

She was there to catch a stumbling human and was held up when she herself could not even crawl. He was always there when she needed him most.  They just knew inside …… when, and it happened every time.  Two Warriors of the Light found their clan, cleaned out the shit and filled up on the experience of being.  Just like the moon must grow big and then empty herself out, so they too do the same to remain in synchronicity with mother nature, who takes us from winters death to springs full bloom, back to the letting go of autumn, to enter once again the dark side of winter, which then becomes a birth at the same time.  So it is then that THAT which you hold on to, expands.  Let go of the old and make room for the new and life will be part of your structure and connected completely once again to nature and all that is. 

 

We are all part of the whole and the whole can only include all that is to BE.  Not perfect or good or wonderful or safe or whatever fantasy you wish to choose, no, just to BE, whatever that means, it means nothing, it just is.